Do Your Loved Ones Tee Tee On Your Wheaties?
When you make a conscious decision to change something about yourself, whether it be your fitness level, your income, your weight--does it seem that the people that mean the most to you are the first to try and sabotage your efforts?
Maybe your spouse decides to verbally attack you while you are trying to prepare for a job interview. Or your teenagers get angry with you for trying to eat healthy, being completely oblivious to how this affects your weight and health (they have no problem with weight so how dare you). Or maybe your spouse parades every form of simple processed carb he or she can possibly think of in front of your nose the minute he or she finds you are trying not to eat them.
I find that the biggest obstacle to positive change in life (aside from yourself) is the people you are closest to. The day you decide to give every bit of effort you can to make a change, the day you need support more than you have ever needed it before, that will be the day your family will turn against you.
It seems that these are the very people who would benefit the most if you were successful in making the change. Wouldn't your spouse and children want you to be healthy and fit. Wouldn't your spouse want you to get that higher paying job? Does this mean that they don't love you or don't want you to ever succeed?
You first have to realize that while there are SOME people who will be genuinely happy for you, for MOST people, this is not the norm.
Chances are your family's lack of support has nothing to do with loving you. It could have to do with fear of change, insecurity, guilt, or even jealousy. Let's look at these in a little more detail.
I think this failure to find support is the the main reason most people fail at their goals. I know it is the first thing that will derail me. The worst part is that it's almost impossible to overcome because there is no hard and fast answer other than get rid of those people which is probably not an option you want to consider. Here are a few possible ways to keep to your goals despite the saboteurs.
Maybe your spouse decides to verbally attack you while you are trying to prepare for a job interview. Or your teenagers get angry with you for trying to eat healthy, being completely oblivious to how this affects your weight and health (they have no problem with weight so how dare you). Or maybe your spouse parades every form of simple processed carb he or she can possibly think of in front of your nose the minute he or she finds you are trying not to eat them.
I find that the biggest obstacle to positive change in life (aside from yourself) is the people you are closest to. The day you decide to give every bit of effort you can to make a change, the day you need support more than you have ever needed it before, that will be the day your family will turn against you.
It seems that these are the very people who would benefit the most if you were successful in making the change. Wouldn't your spouse and children want you to be healthy and fit. Wouldn't your spouse want you to get that higher paying job? Does this mean that they don't love you or don't want you to ever succeed?
You first have to realize that while there are SOME people who will be genuinely happy for you, for MOST people, this is not the norm.
Chances are your family's lack of support has nothing to do with loving you. It could have to do with fear of change, insecurity, guilt, or even jealousy. Let's look at these in a little more detail.
- Fear of change. We as humans are hardwired to fear change. Think about it. Most of us manage to even sabotage our own efforts to find success. It makes sense that we would sabotage the ones we love as well. If someone loves you, they may discourage you because their own fear of you getting hurt is overwhelming to them. This does not mean they are right and you will get hurt. It just means that change carries too much potential for pain for your loved ones and they are trying to "help" you to avoid both change and pain.
- Insecurity. I think some people fear they will lose you if you are successful in changing yourself. Perhaps if you manage to lose weight, make more money, etc., you will no longer want that person to be a part of your life. They fear that you might want to spend your time with others who enjoy your new fit lifestyle or have more money. You might leave them out of your new circle of friends because they have not lost the weight or made the money, etc. Your spouse may feel insecure if you are getting attention from your change that you did not get before. Your friend or family member may feel that your changes further emphasize their insecurities.
- Guilt. Your family or friends might feel guilty that they have not been able to make the positive changes you made. How could they still be overweight or poor or in a bad job when you just made it look easy to change.
- Jealousy. Yes, even the ones we love can get jealous of us. You get jealous of them at times, right? This again stems from fear. It pretty much comes from some or all of the above reasons for fear.
I think this failure to find support is the the main reason most people fail at their goals. I know it is the first thing that will derail me. The worst part is that it's almost impossible to overcome because there is no hard and fast answer other than get rid of those people which is probably not an option you want to consider. Here are a few possible ways to keep to your goals despite the saboteurs.
- Realize that just because they are not supporting you, it does not mean their opinions are right. Realize they are probably basing their opinions on fear and not facts. Just knowing that can sometimes help you to stick to your guns.
- You can talk to your saboteurs and let them know how their actions are hurting you but it has been my experience that they simply cannot change their behaviors and will continue to throw you off course.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY!! You, and only you have the power change yourself and no one else. This is your life and you have the right and the obligation to do what makes you happy and healthy. You are ultimately the person who opens your mouth and puts the food in. You make the necessary changes to better your life. You absolutely cannot allow anyone else to interfere. This sounds brutal and it is so much harder than it sounds, but you have to accept responsibility for your own life and until you do, others will be able to sway you. You have to look deep within yourself and rely on your own instincts, no one else's. This is difficult, probably more so for some than others. Make a vow to yourself right now that you will be responsible for your own actions. Make a vow to never allow a saboteur to sway your life. Draw strength from within yourself. This is the only way to really overcome the saboteurs.
- Know that in many cases the saboteurs will grow to respect you once they see you succeeding. They see you are not getting hurt. Many of their fears have been alleviated. They see you are strong and they just may want to join you. Hold this in the back of your head in the beginning of your change. Hold on to it and use it as a means to spur yourself onward. You are blazing a new trail and you should be proud of yourself. Think about it. If they are not there for you when you have reached your goals, you will be strong enough to not need their support. This might just be what they feared in the first place.
- Use other's negativity to give you strength. Decide to recognize when someone is being negative and resolve to feed on it. Each time you feel someone else dragging you down, take a breath, allow yourself to feel powerful, and use that power to overcome their negativity. If you turn this into a game you might find that you look forward to these negative incidences so you can feel a triumphant high. It becomes fun to overcome them.
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